8 Tips For Understanding How To Defuse a Hot-Tempered Man

Are you ready?

Stop speaking before he has to tell you himself.  It’s really that simple.  He cannot argue by himself. For those of you who need a more detailed strategy, please continue reading.

There is nothing worse to a hot tempered man, than a hot tempered woman who will not stop speaking and who does not truly listen but always wants to be heard. Her continuous dialog is simply fuel for the fire of a hot-tempered man.  If you can learn to control your tongue, then 99 percent the battle is won (James 3:4-6). The Bible describes the tongue as the most dangerous weapon among the parts of our body. If you can learn to control your tongue, you can easily master a hot-tempered man.

Rule #1

 The first rule of thumb is silence. Be quiet and listen very carefully to what is being said. Never say, “I hear you,” but truly listen. Let me say it again. Never let the words “I hear you” come out of your mouth. Hearing your man does not imply that you are listening and comprehending. A man who is very intelligent and hot-tempered will easily pick up on your condescending response, and it will only p#!a him off more. (The Art of Listening to the Man of Your Dreams (MOYD) James 1:19)

#2 Less is more

 Less is always better when dealing with a hot-tempered man. Remember this simple phrase: less is more. The less you say, the more effective your speech will be when you do decide to say something. The less you move your body and your head, the less attitude you have, the less frustration in your tone of voice, and the less you say, the better your chances of defusing a hot-tempered man.

Who will he have to argue with if you do not participate? In general, he will eventually calm himself down after he realizes you are not participating but intently listening. If you truly listen, letting him rant and rave and get it off his chest, you will indeed be in the driver’s seat. It is really that simple. The answer is doing the opposite of what you would naturally want to do.

#3 Real Strength

 Strength is not how loudly you talk or how much you talk back. Strength is having the discipline to exercise the restraint necessary to allow the MOYD to cool down. We know you want to say something, but it is a no-win situation if you do. You must turn the other cheek and allow the wrath to pass you by. The best way to avoid a punch is to move out of the way. Learn from boxers. They are not trying to take punches, but they are trying to move out of the way. A great man, Muhammad Ali, once said, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Note: We still refer to your hot-tempered man as the Man of Your Dreams. Why?  We understand that no one is perfect and at times, we all have flaws and fall short of our goals.

#4 The Big Question

 Ask yourself a question–a personal question that only you can answer. Is it more important for you to compete with and out-talk the MOYD word for word, or is it more important for you to get your point across? You have to determine what your goal is. If your goal is anything other than to defuse a hot-tempered man, then please stop reading here.

We really want you to learn and understand this point. When you speak, you speak with a powerful but meek authority. Say things that make sense. In this situation, think two or three times about what you want to say before responding. Do not say the first thing that comes to mind. This battle will be won with your silence, patience, understanding and carefully-structured responses. Think before you speak, because hot-tempered men, during the heat of the moment, respond best to logical comments. If you mention things that refer to another subject five years ago, you are only going p#!a him off more. Always remind yourself what your goal is.

member-deal-product-ad(1)x2#5 Think before you speak

 Stick to the point at hand. The last thing you want to do is get off-topic and start rambling about things that are not relevant to your goal. When in a heated discussion with a hot-tempered man, you have to stay more focused and calm than ever. Constantly stick to your point(s). Getting your point across is going to be hard enough, so stick to it. Once you make your point, let it go. Give the man a chance to make corrections and remain calm. No matter what he says, always respond in a calm, sincere fashion. The only thing he can do is have respect for you.

 #6 Self-check

 Whatever you ask the MOYD to do, make sure you are already doing it and better. Make sure you check yourself first before you confront him. Look for the pros and cons of what he might say to you, before you have the discussion. Be honest with yourself. What might he say?

It is better to always start the discussion by first taking responsibility for your own actions. This will cause him to remain calm and be more receptive to what you have to say. (Women have the power to help men become better)

Never approach a hot-tempered man when he is just getting off work, had a stressful day or has not eaten. You must be extra-alert and pay attention to all signs and signals. If you are not an alert person, beware (Latin: caveat emptor). When dealing with a hot-tempered man, you have to be sharp and pay attention, because the wrong words said the wrong way can blow up in your face. The best time to approach him is when he has had time to unwind.

#7Think before you approach

 Do not approach him while he is watching his favorite football or basketball game. Approaching a hot-tempered man calls for planning. Communicating with a hot-tempered man is not like talking to a regular person, especially if he is very intelligent. A hot temper can be easily confused with a lack of patience for your responses and approach. His lack of patience with you can quickly lead to a hot temper, because your approach is based on your opinions, and not facts. It is best to make sure you know what you are talking about, because your words will be cross-examined as if you are on the witness stand. The reason for the cross- examination is that you opened your mouth and said something that did not make sense, and that was probably based on emotion. To avoid this kind of confrontation, do not go into your very important discussion with just your opinions. Have some hard facts to back them up.

Many women go off of their feelings, and not facts. This is irritating and not a good approach when dealing with a hot-tempered man. Once again, please do not come into the discussion unprepared, thinking you will just waltz in and get your way without presenting the facts first. You must do your homework. With this approach, the only thing he will be able to do is respect your presentation and point of view, even if he disagrees.

The same man you think has a hot temper today may not have the same hot temper with another woman tomorrow. He just might not like the way you approach him.  It’s like mixing oil and water. So when communicating with him, have your “i”s dotted and your “t”s crossed.

#8 Things Not to Do

 Never confront a hot-tempered man when you are angry.

Never approach a hot-tempered man when you are stressed out.

Do not act scared even if you are terrified. You must take out notes from those old acting classes, and always keep your poise, no matter what the situation appears to be.  Remaining calm will be your new best friend.

If you have children together, never use the kids in any way. (Despicable Moms)

Do not kick him when he is down.

Stick to the point, unless you want to be up for an entire night of arguing.

No hitting below the belt.

No cursing or using foul language.

No shouting or raising your voice.

Do not get physical in any way, shape or form, unless it is to give him a kiss, hug or a good old pillow fight.

Do not pick up and throw anything.

Do not roll your eyes or sigh heavily out of your mouth, like you are tired of listening.

If you are not mentally prepared to go into the discussion, wait until another time.

Do not forget he is a man and you are a lady. ( Women Have the Power to Make Men Better)

I know you are thinking, “Hmm, no hitting below the belt?! But he hits me below the belt sometimes.” Our response to you, once again, is to always remind yourself of your goals and objectives. Are you in a competition with the MOYD to see who can hit the hardest below the belt, or do you want to achieve your goal of getting your point across? Which one is it? If you just cannot help yourself and feel it necessary to hit below the belt, this is what you will achieve:

Absolutely nothing. Instead of making progress, you will be running backwards. You will never win. I do not care if you think you won. Your victories will only be shallow and temporary, while your wounds heal from the unnecessary battle. You will be worn out by the time it is all over. Is that a victory? We are trying to teach you how to go into the battle and come out not with a scratch but with a smile, because you know your point was taken, received and respected. Isn’t this what you want? The question you must always ask yourself is, what is your goal? Is it to gain respect or to p#!a him off more?

Remember, being passive-aggressive does not make you a weak woman. It actually makes you a strong woman, because you are sticking to your point in the face of a hot-tempered man, without getting frustrated. That’s easier said than done. It will take practice. I cannot stress to you enough the importance of staying focused on your objective, because in the heat of the moment getting sidetracked is the last thing you want to do.

We are proud of you, just for the fact that you have taken a moment of your valuable time to gain more knowledge and understanding.

Homework: Analyze and understand the MOYD’s different moods, and the right place and time to approach him with a serious matter.

Thank You For Reading

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  1. I am simply appalled by this article. Why are you taking the man’s side? Excusing his bad behavior? As though the woman has no rights at all! Sick, sick, sick! You’re encouraging the man to be abusive and making it out to be the woman’s fault. Shame, shame, shame on YOU!!! There is only one way to deal with the nightmare you refer to as the bad tempered man of your dreams…RUN AWAY and stay away! That kind of man doesn’t deserve a relationship until he learns to calm down and stay calmed down.

    • Jared Kennedy says:

      hi Maria, it seems like you need to calm down yourself. The only person you can control in a relationship is you and your actions, and if running away is the option you choose than so be it. However, it was obviously you who attracted this man, and like the song goes, you can run away, but you cannot run away from yourself. Take responsibility for your actions and your tone, because whether you like it or no you have at least 50% responsibility in the way you are treated or not treated.

  2. Yea, this is a bit much, to be honest. The author is essentially saying that a woman should learn to cope in her relationship with a hot-tempered man, instead of addressing the real issue: his temper. Same goes for men who are looking for ways to adjust to life with their hot-tempered women, in my opinion. The issue isn’t always how a person responds to a tantrum or an outburst, though that definitely plays a part. I mean, people can change, but the qustion is, “do you really have that kind of time and patience?” If the situation is worsening, should you really consider toughing it out?

    • Jared Kennedy says:

      Hi Derrick, your response is appreciated. Whether a woman chooses to stay in the relationship or not, we are attempting to help her navigate the often very sensitive waters so that whatever her decision she remains safe. Putting your pride and ego to the side will go a long way to keeping the peace whether you be male or female. Thank you for sharing.

  3. A bad tempered man is not the man of my dreams.

  4. Sometimes I get so fed up with my husbands irritating , short-tempered and childlike behaviour. How can I effectively verbalise how I feel in words which won’t be offensive. I’m a newlywed and have discovered men have big egos and are more sensitive than women!

    • Jared Kennedy says:

      @Lavender, Yes men can have big egos, however if you remain calm and state your case based upon the facts and not your emotions, then you will become a very effective communicator with your man or even the male species. For example, most women communicate through their emotions and blab out things not based upon fact, always remember the best of men can take criticism even if they do not like it, so long as it is rooted in fact. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  5. wow thank you so very much for the advice.as it is said a man is like a small boy or an egg you need to handle him with care.
    Now i believe my relationship is healed.once again thank you

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