Let’s see if we can figure this out together. You have the altar, the man and you. What is the one variable you can change in this equation? For all those that say “the man,” please stop reading here. You have flunked this question. If your answer is “you,” please continue reading, because you are taking responsibility regardless of who is at fault. And when you take responsibility, you now have an opportunity to reach the outcome you desire. So, the question you must answer with absolute honesty is, “What is it about you that could have run your man away from the altar?”
If your man is saying “no” at the altar or right before, have you considered that it may be something about you that he is not sure about? That same man saying “no” to you today, after dating you for years, will say “yes” to another woman three months later. Why is that? There was something about you that did not quite fit.
It is in your best interests to discover what that something may be. Do not be afraid to dig deeply into your personality. Girlfriend or fiancée status is okay, but being a wife is a whole other level in the Man of Your Dreams’ mind. For such a final decision, it has to be a perfect fit. If a man says “no”to marrying you and you have been with him for several years, then obviously there is something about you that is blocking him from saying “yes.” You are asking yourself because it is only you that you can change or improve. You cannot change him. So by focusing on yourself first, you remove any obstacles to him saying “no,” one by one. Once you have accomplished this, all that are left are the bare-bones reasons for his decision to run from the altar. The sooner you can identify the problem, the sooner you can work at fixing it.
Ask your man whether there is anything about you making him say “no.” We know you think you are the bomb dot com, but if you do not find out now, it can and will happen again with your next man. It will be the same problem–same bat time, same bat channel. The best thing you can do is get to the naked truth now. This is the only way you are going to succeed in the future. You can be in a relationship, thinking that you are doing it all right, only to find out later, when the big day comes, that everything you thought was right was not right for him. He was not as happy as you thought. A man has a greater fear of facing you than he does of facing another man. He will physically fight another man before he faces you. It’s crazy, huh? Now you are truly getting to know how men think and feel.
So in this equation, the only thing you can do is take personal responsibility for your actions, rather than blaming your man for the mistakes, including the run from the altar. Please stop playing the victim, because when you do, you create the energy that you are trying to avoid and become that which you create. The victim becomes the victim and the hero becomes the hero, all by your thoughts and what comes out of your mouth.
Evaluate and be honest with yourself. If you take arrogance out of the equation and realize that you may not be perfect in his eyes, you may have a chance to salvage the years you invested in your relationship.
Men typically say “no” for two reasons. The first is that there is something about you that he does not like and as a result does not want to make a commitment to you for the rest of his life. It could be physical, mental, family-related or a simple as the color of your hair. It could very well be something about you that you cannot change, such as physical attributes, your family, or your race. He loves you, but the pressures of society–racial, religious or cultural–are greater than his love to commit to you for the rest of his life. He is a weak man, a man whose destiny is not his own but controlled by outside influences.
The second reason is that it is something about him. He, or his parents or his friends, believe there is someone better, or he still wants to sleep around. These secrets he will keep to his dying day. He would rather give you some phony financial excuse for not getting married or starting a family, but we all know that if someone wills something, he or she will find a way to make it happen. Everything else is an excuse.
The reason why men do not tell you until the last minute
I do not care what you say; 99% of all women want to be lied to. Why ask for the truth when you even lie to yourself? Even when a woman is dating a man who tells her the truth about what he wants to do, she will choose the man doing the same things, but lying to her about it.
You must get over the fairy tale if you want honesty. Get over Prince Charming. How realistic is Prince Charming? This is the problem. Where is he? Someone is always trying to paint a picture of him that doesn’t exist. This reminds me of M.C. Escher’s painting, “Circle Limit IV.” In it, two realities exist at the same time, depending on how you view the painting. Both light and darkness must coexist in order to have balance. In relationships, we often expect Prince Charming, without realizing that Prince Charming cannot exist without his alter ego, Prince Charles. In reality, no one is perfect, including Prince Charming. Prince Charming is going to screw up, too. To think otherwise is unrealistic.
The reason women fail to get the honesty they want out of a man is because they fail to understand how a man truly thinks and feels. They fail to truly listen. “I hear you, honey,” is not the same as, “I understand how you feel.”
Women fail to understand that size has nothing to do with a man’s courage. Women fail to understand that physical strength and stature has nothing to do with his willingness to face you. Until you understand this, you will never get the truth out of men and will always be confused by our decisions. When you truly accept what honesty from a man is, you will truly receive honesty. You can ward off a man’s fear of telling you the truth if there is no inkling of you going out in left field on him when he does so. This is a further testament that you are not truly listening but caught up in your own emotions. Perhaps the hardest part of any relationship is hearing a harsh critique from someone you love. A man instinctively understands the delicacy of your heart and mind, and he would rather not bear the burden of their grief.
Alright, ladies, let’s take a timeout. Whew! I have a test question for you. Tell me, is this a legitimate excuse for running from the altar?
You have been dating a guy for seven years and you are ready to get married, but he says he’s not ready. He doesn’t know you well enough.
Yes or no?
So your answer is, “No, this is a half-assed excuse.” A man, after being with you for seven years, is not ready? What could possibly be the problem? What could he learn about you in the next few months or even a year that he hasn’t already learned?
Do you think it has anything to do with you?
I would say at this point the answer is “no.” His decision has more to do with him and his own issues than it has to do with you. If a man does not know you after several years, he will never know you. If he cannot give you a real reason, he is wasting your time. I am sorry, he really is.
So should you call off the wedding? Yes or no?
If your answer to this question is “no,” please continue.
What about finances? Are they a good reason not to get married? Does he really not want to get married due to his financial situation? Or is it that he still wants to sleep with other women, or that there is something about you that he finds unattractive for the long term? That he doesn’t feel he has accomplished his financial goals is but a lame excuse to cover his real feelings. It should not be tolerated. At bare minimum, you deserve the truth.
The above questions are to see how much you understand how a man thinks. Is a man who loves you really going to tell you that his parents do not like you? Is he really going to tell you that your race is an issue? Is he really going to tell you he prefers naturally blond hair and yours is jet-black? Why would he tell you something that is going to hurt your feelings and that you cannot change even if you wanted to?
Ladies, the man may truly love you, but he already had his own preconceived image of his wife-to-be long before he ever met you. He perhaps got involved with you and never realized that he would be with you several years later. What you have to get firmly planted in your mind is that most men are cowards. It doesn’t matter if they are seven feet tall or five-foot-two, big balls or small balls. They are cowards, so the chances of him being honest with you are slim to none. He is going to give you a good story that lets him and you off the hook with the softest possible landing.
Now, do not shoot the messenger–your girlfriend or guy friend who can clearly see the bull that your ex-man is telling you. Do not get mad at your trusted friends who just tell you what they see. Just listen. Remember, you are emotionally charged and cannot always see clearly. When a man says he is not ready to get married, it just means that you are not the one. The same man will tell you on Tuesday that he is not ready to get married, then marry another woman on Wednesday.
You have to be able to separate reality from lame excuses. If a man is with you for several years and tells you that anything besides him is the reason for him not being ready, he is only making lame excuses and lying to you. Finances are not a legitimate excuse. He may never have his finances together, and that in itself is a test of love for you. The reason many men do not get married right away is because they still want to see other women. Men want to sleep around, but they can never admit this to you. In most men’s minds, this would be relationship suicide. Why would he ever want to tell you this awful truth? Yet the strip clubs are filled with such men; the porn industry is supported by these secrets. He might as well jump off a bridge, because you are just going to kill him anyway.
A man in this position has been trying for quite some time to figure out how to get out of this commitment. In fact, while you have been moving forward with wedding plans, he has been turning it over in his mind or perhaps with his buddies. He will never really tell you the real reason. You can believe what you want to believe, but we are telling you the honest truth. Men know the seriousness of a marriage. Marriage is almost the equivalent of death to many married men we have spoken with. You can just feel the grip of the commitment choking the very life out of them, perhaps because there is no room for error and no room to grow. Ladies, we are obviously not talking about every married man on the planet–but a great number. We usually witness their true feelings when they get together with their buddies for a beer or two. At this point, the awful truth sets in, and as friends we realize they are not strong enough to say to their wives how they truly feel about being married. They just keep up the façade, as if no one on the outside can see in.
If you want honesty from a man, then you have to create the atmosphere for it. The very few men who want to tell you the truth will not do so, because of the combative way in which you are likely to respond. As a result, your man is likely to be dishonest until his very last moment or his dying day, i.e., when he runs from the altar. Until then, he is going to give you that story that you want to hear. We can do it here on this Web site because we do not have to argue with you. Our contribution to you here is so you can know. This is how we are giving back. If you want to know the truth, it is available, but if you do not, you certainly do not have to take our advice and we certainly in turn do not have to argue with you. If you want the truth, be different.