How important is it for a woman to share the same values with the man of her dreams?
This is a fallacy. The concept of two people being equally yoked, or equally matched, doesn’t exist. It’s not possible. This is something my younger self would have never been able to accept, let alone say. It’s such a misguided conception, and it seems to be the one thing that everyone seems to be looking for and believe in: that somewhere out there, there is someone who is their perfect equal. And it’s just not true. This may sound like a cynical outlook, and I’ve always considered myself to be an optimist. But this is not a cynical point of view. It’s just a fact. The sooner you can start to accept it, the better off you will be, and the more likely you will be able to find someone who really fits with you.
Here is the truth: In any relationship, there will always be one person at a slightly higher level than the other person, whether mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, experientially, sexually, etc., etc.
However, the problem is not in sharing the same values. That’s just, goes a line from “Dawson’s Creek,” “a red herring, a meaningless detail to throw you off the course of the real culprit.” Values are important. But values will not be the block in your relationship. Growth will. It always, always, always comes down to growth and movement.
As I said, there will always be one person in the relationship who is at a higher level. When two people come together, there is always a leader and a follower, at least at first. There must be, because both people cannot lead; that would create imbalance and chaos. It just doesn’t work. The problem is when you introduce desire. If the desires are the same, control can temporarily be relinquished to the stronger of the two, the one at the higher level. But as the couple move into each other, an equilibrium will be established in the movement of the relationship.
Then, a “leader” is no longer needed. This is where the fallacy of being equally yoked comes from. Yes, it is possible to be equally balanced with your partner, but it almost never happens in the beginning, because the whole concept of relationships is movement. Growth occurs and brings the two people together. The balance may not occur for months.
But a woman cannot and should not lead a man. This is not to say that it doesn’t happen, because it does all the time, but it is not the natural flow of movement. And there are a lot of people who would have a real problem with this statement, but the truth of the matter is, if a woman is leading, than she is leading a weaker man.
A woman cannot be with a weaker man any more than a man can be with a weaker woman. The laws of harmony fall apart here. Ultimately, the relationship will fall to pieces or become locked into a complacent pattern where time in the relationship stops. The two people no longer grow together. Instead they grow apart or do not grow at all, even as individuals.
The reason for this is the stronger partner in the relationship will become a parent-type figure to the weaker partner, a mommy or a daddy. And a lot of relationships fall into this trap. A woman who wears the pants in the relationship is the parent figure to the man in the relationship. A man who is always dealing with a woman with daddy issues becomes the parent as well.
Now, this does happen, and sometimes it is even necessary in relationships, but when it continues to last, and this becomes the status quo of the relationship, it has no place to grow. The relationship can no longer move forward.
So, returning to the question of whether it is important to be equally yoked in a relationship–no, it’s not. The purpose of our relationships is to grow as individuals. And you will find yourself in relationships where you are the stronger of the two and where you are the weaker of the two. This is all part of the way we eventually end up with the man or woman of our dreams.
We learn from every relationship we are in. The only thing that’s important about that person you end up staying with, when that time in your life finally comes, is that you end up balanced. Your relationship will not start out equally yoked, but when you see that your relationship is moving to that place, as time goes by you will come together in a way that, when it’s all said and done, you will ultimately end up equally yoked.
This is the fallacy. This is where the confusion occurs. Often we get confused about things that are true, because it’s the manner in which they are true that causes us to get lost. The notion of being equally balanced in a relationship is one of the biggest, because we know we should be equally balanced with our partner. But what we fail to understand is how that phenomenon actually happens.
Therefore, we start to believe that every relationship we are in must be equal, and when it’s not, we cut off that relationship at the knees, not giving it a chance to bring growth into our lives. And we spend so much time looking for that perfect, equal person, that we actually miss the person that is right for us, because we fail to see that we only become equally balanced with our partner through the experience of the relationship itself.